#15 and the end that leads to a beginning.

The final date.  I didn’t really have a specific goal in mind when I started my online dating adventures.  After some real doosies I set the bar at 15 dates with the thought I would re-tool, re-assess after that.

#15 came as I was still in the mantra of “waiting for #13”.  He worked nights so really couldn’t meet until after 11:30pm and well, that is about 2 hours after my bed time most nights.  He understood the “outlaw for my love”. Reference on my page but like the Elliott Smith version better which I call BULLSHIT on, who likes any version of Thirteen better than Big Star’s? Hmmph!

Anyways, I know this guy was #15 and I was looking forward to being done for a while. It’s hard to put yourself out there. It’s hard to sit through a really terrible connection.  So I was ready.  The plan was this: meet him at a Loons show at 11:30pm.

It was going to be casual because before that was a girls night with my friend Jen Kay.  It started with me meeting Jen at this bar Waypoint on bike. I locked my bike up to realize I didn’t have any keys.  Jen’s friend loaned me her car to go home, get my keys. It was gonna be a weird night. My keys were in my scooter and I had to jump our security gate to get it.

I returned the car in one piece and off Jen and I rode to the whilst stop for Alternative 90s night… It’s funner than it sounds IF you are there late enough but we weren’t because the real plan was to get to Bar Pink for the Loons show.  It was fun night of girl giggles and drinks and night time riding.  We got to the Loons show just as they were ending.  Turns out they weren’t the headliners.  I walk up to the bar and there is Robert. I say “Hi” and then asked if was “Missing April”.  April was our mutual friend who had moved to Chicago earlier that month.  He started to cry and asked me “what do you know about it?!” I was like “whoa… that wasn’t a trick question” in my head… and that’s when Jen Kay walked and well she was April’s neighbor so I left her to deal with Robert and his tears.  

Not too long after, #15 arrived.  He was handsome, smart, looked strong like he worked with his hands (he built turbines or something) we talked over the music but he made it super clear he was just out of a relationship and was only looking for a booty call. I called him on the mat saying I explicitly stated in my profile I was NOT up for that. We laughed and joined Robert and Jen at the booth they were sharing. It was a little awkward.  It came out Robert was on a bike and was gonna sleep in a van of another mutual friend.  I said he could have my hide-a-bed if he wanted. 

We were outside, unlocking our bikes with #15 hanging around wondering if he was coming too and I said my goodbyes and good lucks to him, booty call? whatever.  Robert came over and we stayed up talking a bit.  Apparently he woke up with a good-morning turd courtesy of Linus Bucko Jones next to his head (my hide a bed is low to the ground)  I had previous plans to catch a matinee with my now friend, #12 so after breakfast I sent Robert packing… I had no idea that morning, I met my forever man.

#14 From Tori Amos to the Thrill Kill Cult.

#14

So I didn’t really give #14 of chance but he had A LOT of enthusiasm and was so sure we had lots in common.  He was from Michigan, loved the record store I worked out (though didn’t shop there until after my time) he always wished he could have gone to my High School but lived in another town. He was younger than me but I don’t recall by how much.  I summed up the night this way on Facebook

“King khan was great. I bet Red Fang was too. Won't likely hang with the Michigan kid again, though. Just really zero chemistry ZERO and he talked about his fandom of Tori Amos just way too long. I just don't identify with uber Tori Amos fans. My take is "you should really just listen to kate bush" and that's the end of my thoughts on Tori Amos.”

And I still stand by that assessment.  The kid was relentless, I agreed to meet him for dinner before I went solo to a concert.  He described his tastes in music as “eclectic” and to prove it he gave me a range of “Tori Amos to the Thrill Kill Cult”.  All through dinner he kept throwing out band names and with each one I cringed in a way I hadn’t in decades. That is, I’m not a music snob any more but he was hitting a bullseye for every shit band ever and it was the sense of pride in his own tastes that really made me uncomfy. Like there was nothing good to say so I pretty much just sat silently trying not to nod unconsciously and give him hope that I approved. I sat silently, yo, that's a bad sign :)  Longest dinner ever and it was probably only 30mins. I never looked more forward to going to a show alone than I did as I left that date.

Ah #13…. Let me walk you home from school….

http://vimeo.com/6806280

Big Star… Thirteen…

So #13 is a little harder to write about. He was the only true contender. And spilling all in my usual fashion could really hurt the man I love now. I want a complete accounting of the whole adventure SO this one and might sound different.  In part because it’s so past tense the hindsight is blinding.

#13 had maybe one picture on OKCupid.. He had a round, pink face, a confident smile and a shiney bald head.  Actually there was two because I recall him in a fu Manchu  mustache and sombero. Reading his profile I wondered if he was maybe on the autism scale because the things he put out on dating website made him super easy to sleuth. Having a very public job meant that a specific element of society might could be interested in his personal details. But the profile also started with he was in the process of divorce but not ACTUALLY divorced. The OKC algorithm had us at the highest compatibility of anyone yet and my mind tossed between Autistic? Simply sweet and vulnerable? And my mind ended with “he’s a lawyer, too grown up for you”.

But one thing stood out.  He had only a couple bands listed in music he liked and one of them was Beirut.

His favor song was “Scenic World”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARbZ9St8zCk&noredirect=1

Mine was from the same album “Postcards from Italy”:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X61BVv6pLtw

Either way, it’s not a band I had ever seen in the online dating world as a “favorite” and I don’t know I’d list them in the favorites but I sure do dig that first record and have a sentimental attachment because Beirut was the first band Andy Kotowicz (high school sweetheart who died in 2010) had shared with me in years – when we made up for good in 2005. Anyways, I felt like #13 listing this band was sign.  So I emailed him.

As it turned out, #13 live just 5 blocks up the road from me.  In his first correspondence he restated he was going through the divorce and while there was zero chance of it falling through, he was struggling with it because it wasn’t something he ever thought he’d do.  I explained that I had a use for friends that dug great music and since we lived down the street from one another we should at least go for a walk. Now the sequence of events has faded. But this is what I think happened. I think we made loose plans – like let’s do a neighborhood walk on Thursday, exchanged #s and the dude just dropped off the face of the earth.  Well the earth I knew him from – he cancelled his OkC account the day after we were SUPPOSED to meet.  It was really hard not to take that personally.  We didn’t have firm plans. Just walk and Thursday. He just didn’t return any texts (his preferred method of communication) on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning,  when I went to re-read all that wrote to see where I might have jumped the shark, his profile was “disabled”.  It took every trick in the book to keep me from spiraling into self loathing and blame and/or convince myself #13 had to be a real asshole because I didn’t do anything wrong.

I let the weekend pass and tried hard to not go down the bad rabbit hole and instead my thoughts started to turn to this idea that he was a really sweet guy in a bad spot emotionally who probably feels like a total shit heel who can’t call now.  I felt like it was a voice of a much wiser, healthier being, guiding me to forgiveness and empathy. So I summed up all the courage I could and called him. Of course it went to voicemail but I said that I was taking a chance that the world is NOT about me and that if he didn’t get in touch because he felt like a jerk for standing me up, he can have a do-over.  Within an hour he was back to text (he really doesn’t like to talk on the phone!) and he was really going to meet me for a walk that week.

And so one Wednesday night, I started walking his way on our street and he started walking mine. I got way closer to his end then he did mine so it wasn’t really the middle.  The night was in early September and the air was heavy and cold – which was weird. Cold for San Diego anyways.  He was wearing a knit hat so I didn’t recognize him but he did me.  We walked to the end of the street and turned around and walked back. Deciding on the way to get some food. The conversation was very easy to have. We laughed a lot and had tons of weird things in common like sleeping with a fan and not liking coffee.  We stopped at this hole-in-the –wall Thai place where the cook/proprietress, was pretty much telling us what we wanted to eat. #13 was a musician and has a twin with whom he always lived near until coming to SD for law school. He played upright bass and appreciated that I appreciated Charles Mingus. #13 couldn’t help but sing along to the background music and talked a lot about how he had never failed at anything in his life before his marriage and he knew it was just an ego bruise but it hurt like hell as it was one thing he never wanted to fail at. He was very articulate and in touch with his emotions and didn’t seem to have a problem wearing said emotions on his sleeve. But his phone kept blowing up. His mom, his brother, his mom, his brother. He was sure that they were calling because earlier that day he had gotten back from a weekend at Disneyland with his kids and well they knew that Weds was the day he had to give them back to momma so they always called on Wednesdays.  With the 4^th call from each, #13 said he had to go and asked if he could walk me home but we were really close to his and kinda far from mine so I said I’d enjoy the walk alone.

The next night he was going to see a band and I was going to see another band – it was a weird  aligning of the rock’n’roll heavens to have 2 really good bands in San Diego at once. And well we each chose differently.  That night he was out with co-workers and he got pretty lit up and started sexting me.  While I’m no prude, I was a little shocked because a) we just didn’t have any thing like that kind of conversation the night before b) he’s got a really public job, he shouldn’t be leaving a paper trail like that. So I deleted the texts and told him the next day he probably shouldn’t text stuff like that. He said he had no worries but was sorry if I was offended. I was not.  

While we texted most days he didn’t ever pick up the phone. He had his kids every Mon/Tues and every other Fri-Sun. So Wed/Thur were the only for-sure nights off.  He had a pretty regular standing Thursday thing with other single co-workers. And a couple Wednesdays of planned walks came and went with him saying he’d meet me and then at the last minute say he just was too sad to go out. After 2 weeks of that and a message saying he clearly wasn’t ready to date but wanted to be friends, we made a plan for a Saturday he was free. Same deal: I set out walking his way and he mine only he got nearly to me this time. We took a really long walk, about 5miles of winding through the neighborhoods and talking non-stop about everything under the sun. We stopped for breakfast at a little café and decided he really needed to hear Mingus on vinyl so we walked back to mine.

It was a little like being in High School again. I put on the record and #13 laid on the floor in a sunspot peaking through the blinds. I wasn’t too anxious to sit on the floor and told him he should probably take the couch since Linus was known to pee there but he said he didn’t mind. Ok. I sat down next to him and we listened to Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus. We each noticed different parts and had favorite bits that the other really had never noticed.  The sun was warm on my face and my legs and our hands sorta touched. And the “like high school” part was laying there no longer hearing the music but instead just the loud talk in my head on the “will he kiss me? Does he know his pinky is touching my pinky? How could he not know? OMG is that his foot touching my foot? Is this on purpose? Can he smell the dog pee?...” I turned my head to look at him and found he was looking at me and he said “yeah, this won’t work” and he kissed me. We were super good kissers. And again, I hadn’t felt anything like that since I was 15.

I had plans that night so after spending all day together he left around 6pm. I really didn’t want him to go and he didn’t seem to want to go either but it was sorta what needed to happen.

Then it was back to a couple of weeks strung together of him saying he wanted to get together then flaking on the night-of.  I started feeling like a fool, like I was rube but then I would remember the conversations and the feelings and conclude I couldn’t have imagined it, that #13 was just in tough spot and I just needed to be cool.  So in late September he was going to Seattle for the weekend. He said he had some old friends up there and was going to some show. The night before he left he said we’d walk but again he was flaking out. I was getting really paranoid at that point. Feeling like such a fool for always waiting when he always said he was in no place to date.  Then at 8pm he called and said he would come over. Coming straight to my house made me feel like booty call but I was also just really wanted to see him again. So he came and we listened to more records, talked more and made out lots more.  We stayed up talking and such until about 5am when he had to go home, get his stuff and go to the airport.   While he was in Seattle he texted me pics and stuff and I felt pretty good about idea if I could just be cool, he was going to get free of the sadness and I’d be there.  So my mantra became “I’m waiting on #13”

He got back from Seattle to a lot of work and so there was no chance to hang out. That weekend he had his kids and while he had suggested I do stuff with him and the kids, I declined because I love kids but being a kid of divorce, it’s not fun meeting the ones you connect with but they don’t hang around.  So I was doing my usual walk and I saw him and his babies in the park. My heart sped up, I didn’t know what to do. I wondered if he would think I was spying.  I felt like I was witnessing something I shouldn’t see and I felt silly for being conflicted at all. I kept walking, I tagged the pole I always do to turn around. I walked back by (on the other side of the street) and he was still there and his kids were so freaking adorable and clearly LOVED their daddy.  After I was past, I texted to ask if it was him who I had seen and he said yes, I should come by. I said I was already past because I knew I would fall in love with those kids.  He said they were heading home  and I should walk with them, so I turned around and walked back. We walked just a few blocks. His daughter is 5 and his son is 2.  His daughter was already skeptical of “lady friends” I could see and she was totally acting like I was putting her to sleep but the little boy was so eager to show everything and anything and in a few short blocks, he wanted to get out of the wagon and hug me. GAH-heart melt!

Another week went past, I went out with a terrible #14. The next week we made a play date with him and the kids.  I met them all at a park. We played for HOURS. Tag, Zombies, Lava.  It was fun and the little girl stopped pretending I wasn’t there. On the way home #13 wanted to stop at this coffee shop an pick up some dessert.  I stayed outside with the kids in the wagon.  The wall of the café was made of large stone faces and mortar. It reminded me of this fireplace of my childhood babysitter where he’d drive matchbox cars along the mortar and park on the rocks.  The little boy had some cars so I showed them how to play. We were all driving cars and making up stories for each different rock face. It was fun. That time BOTH kids wanted out of the wagon to hug me. 

In the end, #13 was still dealing with bouts of sadness and chronic canceling of plans. I still had one more online date to go on before I could quit and I re-met Robert.  My mantra in early October was “I’m waiting on #13”. It ended with Robert.

#12 commuter buddies

So it was hard to convince myself I still wanted to go on online dates after #11 but having set that limit at #15, I soldiered on.  I can’t recall the specifics of how #12 and I decided we should meet. I know OkCupid said we had a high compatibility and when we started writing, it turned out we both lived in the same neighborhood and commuted to the same small, northern beach community  via the train so we said there was no harm in sitting on the train together.

And so one Thursday afternoon #12 and I met on the platform and rode the train home together. He was very recently divorced but with good cause. He told me much of his story in that train ride such that when it was over he worried he told me too much. 

Like the very next day something happened to my scooter so #12 offered to take me to work in his car.

I think it was the next day he told me he was seeing someone else from OkC upid and wanted to explore that more but that we should go to a movie and so #12 and I became commuting/movie friends.

My faith was restored in the process – you can make good friends out of the deal…. 

#11 - best first date gift ever, pretty awful first date

#11 – Made me a sleeping mask and made me weary of online dating.

So whatever week #9 & 10 were was a big week. I had #11-13 identified too, just waiting for my schedule to clear. That’s when on POF, the guy who would have been #14 but ended up #11 contacted me.  #11 tried to make a reference to one of my favorite bands, Pavement, but it was pretty flat. He seemed like a jokester all the way around.  He really wanted to meet me and I told him about my plans and that it would be a while since I made other commitments. Rather than understanding that as me being upfront and honest, he took it to mean there was a challenge.  In the end, I think I was living a lot in his imagination. He imagined all sorts of things about me that well, weren’t based in any sort of reality. Like me having committed to a few more dates, he took that to mean I was really popular. When really, I was just saying “yes” to dates when most ladies were just ignoring emails (so I gleaned after many dates said something to the effect of me being one of the only replies)

At some point we exchanged phone #s and he began texting me so early. I was up, waiting for the train and he was up early for work, too. I thought it was sweet. Again, hindsight is so much more clear. He was making fanciful leaps all the time from little tiny bits of really big stories I would tell him. One time I told him I liked to sleep on the train and he made some comment about “owl sleep” which I totally didn’t get BUT now I do… he was largely obsessed with a photo of me on my profile of me in my owl sleeping mask. Yes, it’s cute. But this guy, #11, felt it said so much about me.

Too much hindsight. At the time I thought it was cute, that he was funny. He then started calling me and his voice was very young sounding. He only had two pictures and they didn’t seem current but I can’t say for sure why, the fashion in them was generic. His profile said he was 43. He was making me laugh so much I didn’t want to have to wait 2 weeks to meet him. I bumped him up to the #11 spot when, through work, I got free tickets to a pre-season charger game. I asked if he wanted to go. He said his only hesitation was he had a plan for a first-date-gift and he wasn’t sure he could make it in time. That he had plans for the best first date gift ever. I explained I’ve never had a first date gift so yeah, it already wins.  Plans were made. Meet at Tiger Tiger for dinner and then the game.

That night, I walked to restaurant and it was hot and sticky. I’m a cold weather baby so I just don’t look natural all hot and sticky. While he looked NOTHING like his 2, now obviously very old photos, he stood out like a sore thumb looking super out of place at Tiger Tiger carrying a gift bag.  I don’t think either of us was what the other was expecting… which is odd since my profile for sure had very current pictures and full disclosure that I’m overweight and working on it.  

I’m used to going dutch when on these things. Dating for me was never about getting fed at the expense of another. But he insisted he pay saying something about that’s what men do. It’s not cheap but it’s not expensive but enough that I really did want to cover my own- he wouldn’t hear of it. I know enough not to protest too much.

In person we didn’t have much to talk about.  I get it now – he was reconciling the ideas he had with the reality.  He handed me the gift bag with the excitement that reminded me of being a kid giving my mom something I made at school.  It was a very amazing “first date gift”.  Launching from the owl sleeping mask obsession and my love of music, #11 made me a guitar sleeping mask.  I was literally speechless.  He was so excited to tell me the engineering involved, the skills he had to learn, the materials he had to acquire. He thought of every detail and pointed at each – it was cute.

We ate our dinner and then headed to the game. I hadn’t really thought through anything. I won tickets – end of planning. So we talked about parking and decided to park in a mall near a trolley so we could take the trolley.  #11 seems to like the idea of free parking.  We get to his car and it SMELLS horrible. Something was clearly dead in it and #11 tried to cover the stench with sickening air fresheners.  It was really, really bad, so I got in the truck and opened the window. He acknowledged the smell and said he didn’t know where it came from just that he needed the spare out of the back and when he retrieved the spare the smell came up. I asked if he checked around the well where the tire is stored as the smell was definitely something rotting. He got all defensive and swore he didn’t know what the smell was.  When we got to the Mall, it clearly said NO parking for the Chargers game. It seemed silly since that part of the lot was empty but #11 got paranoid that he’d get a ticket. I said I needed some hair conditioner and would happily go in and get it so we could say we were mall customers but he brushed that off – he wanted to worry about getting ticketed, I suppose.

Now, as a daily commuter with a monthly pass, I had ZERO idea what it takes to get on the trolley without said monthly pass.  The lines for the machines to get a ticket were long.  When we got up to it, it required $7 - $5 for the “all day” pass and $2 for the plastic card the pass was on. #11 didn’t want a card, he wanted a ticket and cussed at the machine, hit it, saying something like he won’t use the trolley again so why does he need  a reusable card. That’s when I notice a ticket window and suggest we go to it and ask.   Same story there, no more paper tickets, just the plastic, re-fillable card so $7.  #11 was PISSED and just fumed from the inside out.  Now the trolley was packed with football fans that ALSO didn’t want to get stuck in the parking lot at the stadium. Standing room only and all different kinds of walks of life.  Again, I make regular use of mass transit so this isn’t phasing me at all but I can only imagine what was going through #11’s head.  “Only imagine” because he was mumbling under his breath, looking out the side so his eyes and scowling while turning different shades of red.  #11 clearly didn’t like different races of people in his very near proximity and I remember thinking “this is going to be a LONG night.

At the stadium, I discovered I couldn’t have my purse.  That I was required to buy a clear plastic bag and dump the contents. So $5 to buy the bag and #11, is complaining that this is taking too long. Then we get to our nose bleed seats and it’s not at all clear which aisle is which. Up in that section there isn’t really anyone to tell you where your seat is either.  It wasn’t packed and everyone else was sitting wherever they wanted so I suggested we just do our best to sit close to where we think the seats are. NOPE, #11, has a seat number, goddammit and he’s gonna sit where it says to. up and down aisles and rows we go and we miss the beginning of the game. I eventually say I’m gonna sit right where I was standing until someone kicked me out. He reluctantly sat down. From up there you couldn’t really see much and well, it WAS pre-season so not that great anyways.  #11, settled finally turns his attention away from his ticket and seat assignment to get hyper critical of the various jerseys in the vicinity. He knew which where expensive and where were knock offs. He had opinions  the players represented on fan jersey’s too – who was worth owning and who wasn’t. Of course all the comments were said in a tone that suggested #11 was very jealous.  This went until 1/2 time. #11 didn’t stop talking about jersey for the whole first half and we missed the explanation for what the half time show was.  So from way up high I squint. I think a mentally challenged child has stormed the field as on runs down one side. Then more and more and more. Some kicking balls, some trying cartwheels. Still no explanation but if feels just weird to be watching.  #11 isn’t helping with his commentary on the “retards”.  The announcer asks us to applaud for the special Olympians.  I’m spent,  I don’t want to stick around for the 2^nd half to have it be anything like the first and when I suggest we go, #11 gets huffy. I guess he was enjoying the his criticism fest.  

So we take the trolly back to the mall and I see I still have time to buy conditioner so I ask if I can since we’re here. He says he’ll check it out too. I thought he was kidding since he barely had any hair so I giggled and said I get the fancy stuff. Well that just pissed him off!  He buys fancy stuff too!  He spends at least $10 at CVS….. So Now I feel like I don’t really get this guy so I best keep my mouth shut. I buy conditioner and he, not to be out done, pays $50 for some shampoo and conditioner for the few strands of hair he had left on his head.  The car ride home was long, silent and pungent.  When we got to my neighborhood he asked me where to park. I said, no need, I’d get out.  So then he tried to kiss me, I stopped that before it started. He then shrilly inquired “Aren’t I coming in? This was an expensive date” and with that I said good night never to speak to #11 again. 

It’s sad really because that guitar sleeping mask was rad but I’ll never wear it because he was such a jerk.

Another legacy of #11 was I put a limit on how many of these dates I’d take.  15 dates and if nothing was working I was going to have to rethink my strategy. So for that, Thank you #11.

#10 still friends

#10 was the first fella I was thinking about dating. He first contacting me having recognized the amplifier in my pictures of my records.  Since it’s a source of pride and interest to me, I was stoked he recognized it. He knew some of my out-of-town scooter friends so, you know, birds of a feather sorta thing. Figured he had to be good people to know good people. He lives in Carlsbad where I work. He was handsome to boot. So we made lunch plans.

I put on a dress and borrowed a co-worker’s car so I wouldn’t just be eating at the food court across the street. He was very tall, very shy and didn’t have much to say but lunch was nice and we said we’d do it again.

He was a good texter, at least, texted a bunch.  But his conversations were limited largely to Mazdas and car photography.  He was not employed, was living at home and trying to start a career in photography. I understood it was lucky to have that ability to pursue such a dream and have a roof over your head regardless of the roof. And man, he was cute.

We had a few lunches. Eventually he drove me home from work one Friday and we did a bar crawl and had dinner. It was fun but fleeting.

It didn’t take too long for the limited conversation and lack of steady income to put the kibosh on dating.  Living 40miles a part and me relying on the train to get home didn’t help either.  We decided we could totally be friends and that’s what we are to this day.

#9 hardly notable

#9 was a very nice gentleman. Only a few years older but seemed WAY older. He was all about my OKC profile as was SURE we'd get along great.  To me he looked a lot like my stepdad, Don, so I knew there was no getting over that impression and thus no romance in the mix. He worked as an engineer for the first company I worked at in San Diego: ViaSat. What I found interesting is that when I worked there, loads of young engineers would make up excuses to walk my desk not anywhere near anything nor on the way to anything. I was pretty clear word got around that mostly-men office that a cute new girl was working. I thought it was pretty cute all these young guys walking by to find there was only a dead end and thus had to turn right back around. Only few could make eye contact or say "hey". I went out a couple of time with one of them but he was 36 and super serious about getting married so yeah, that wasn't gonna work. I digress.

So here is this engineer who looks like my stepdad that really wants to meet me so I agree to lunch across the street from my office.

In person, he looks even more like my stepdad. While only a few years older he totally seems like a decade older. He was certainly totally pleasant but zero connection or attraction on my end.

Pretty much as soon as I got back to my desk I had a "confession" email. He was having lots of luck on OkC with single moms and was dating a few others but really liked me and would love to add me to the mix. I saw that as an open door so I walked through it: "ahh, I didn't think that we had enough in common to really even be friends. Best of luck".  He was pretty shocked by that. Thought I didn't give him enough of a chance. I said I too was having success and just didn't see any point in having any more dates. He wished me well and that was pretty much as painless as it gets. Lessons learned: just don't even entertain a dude if he looks like your stepdad or anyone else puts said dude squarely in the "no chance at romance" zone.