Big Star… Thirteen…
So #13 is a little harder to write about. He was the only
true contender. And spilling all in my usual fashion could really hurt the man
I love now. I want a complete accounting of the whole adventure SO this
one and might sound different. In part
because it’s so past tense the hindsight is blinding.
#13 had maybe one picture on OKCupid.. He had a round, pink
face, a confident smile and a shiney bald head. Actually there was two because I recall him in
a fu Manchu mustache and sombero. Reading
his profile I wondered if he was maybe on the autism scale because the things
he put out on dating website made him super easy to sleuth. Having a very public job meant that a specific element of society might could be interested in
his personal details. But the profile also started with he was in the process
of divorce but not ACTUALLY divorced. The OKC algorithm had us at the highest
compatibility of anyone yet and my mind tossed between Autistic? Simply sweet
and vulnerable? And my mind ended with “he’s a lawyer, too grown up for you”.
But one thing stood out.
He had only a couple bands listed in music he liked and one of them was
Beirut.
Either way, it’s not a band I had ever seen in the online
dating world as a “favorite” and I don’t know I’d list them in the favorites
but I sure do dig that first record and have a sentimental attachment because
Beirut was the first band Andy Kotowicz (high school sweetheart who died in
2010) had shared with me in years – when we made up for good in 2005. Anyways,
I felt like #13 listing this band was sign.
So I emailed him.
As it turned out, #13 live just 5 blocks up the road from
me. In his first correspondence he
restated he was going through the divorce and while there was zero chance of it
falling through, he was struggling with it because it wasn’t something he ever
thought he’d do. I explained that I had
a use for friends that dug great music and since we lived down the street from
one another we should at least go for a walk. Now the sequence of events has
faded. But this is what I think happened. I think we made loose plans – like
let’s do a neighborhood walk on Thursday, exchanged #s and the dude just
dropped off the face of the earth. Well
the earth I knew him from – he cancelled his OkC account the day after we were
SUPPOSED to meet. It was really hard not
to take that personally. We didn’t have
firm plans. Just walk and Thursday. He just didn’t return any texts (his
preferred method of communication) on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning, when I went to re-read all that wrote to see
where I might have jumped the shark, his profile was “disabled”. It took every trick in the book to keep me
from spiraling into self loathing and blame and/or convince myself #13 had to
be a real asshole because I didn’t do anything wrong.
I let the weekend pass and tried hard to not go down the bad
rabbit hole and instead my thoughts started to turn to this idea that he was a
really sweet guy in a bad spot emotionally who probably feels like a total shit
heel who can’t call now. I felt like it
was a voice of a much wiser, healthier being, guiding me to forgiveness and
empathy. So I summed up all the courage I could and called him. Of course it
went to voicemail but I said that I was taking a chance that the world is NOT
about me and that if he didn’t get in touch because he felt like a
jerk for standing me up, he can have a do-over.
Within an hour he was back to text (he really doesn’t like to talk on
the phone!) and he was really going to meet me for a walk that week.
And so one Wednesday night, I started walking his way on our
street and he started walking mine. I got way closer to his end then he did
mine so it wasn’t really the middle. The
night was in early September and the air was heavy and cold – which was weird.
Cold for San Diego anyways. He was
wearing a knit hat so I didn’t recognize him but he did me. We walked to the end of the street and turned
around and walked back. Deciding on the way to get some food. The conversation
was very easy to have. We laughed a lot and had tons of weird things in common
like sleeping with a fan and not liking coffee. We stopped at this hole-in-the –wall Thai
place where the cook/proprietress, was pretty much telling us what we wanted to
eat. #13 was a musician and has a twin with whom he always lived near until
coming to SD for law school. He played upright bass and appreciated that I
appreciated Charles Mingus. #13 couldn’t help but sing along to the background
music and talked a lot about how he had never failed at anything in his life
before his marriage and he knew it was just an ego bruise but it hurt like hell
as it was one thing he never wanted to fail at. He was very articulate and in
touch with his emotions and didn’t seem to have a problem wearing said emotions
on his sleeve. But his phone kept blowing up. His mom, his brother, his mom,
his brother. He was sure that they were calling because earlier that day he had
gotten back from a weekend at Disneyland with his kids and well they knew that
Weds was the day he had to give them back to momma so they always called on
Wednesdays. With the 4th call
from each, #13 said he had to go and asked if he could walk me home but we were
really close to his and kinda far from mine so I said I’d enjoy the walk alone.
The next night he was going to see a band and I was going to
see another band – it was a weird
aligning of the rock’n’roll heavens to have 2 really good bands in San
Diego at once. And well we each chose differently. That night he was out with co-workers and he got pretty lit up and started sexting me. While I’m no prude, I was a little shocked
because a) we just didn’t have any thing like that kind of conversation the
night before b) he’s got a really public job, he shouldn’t be leaving a paper trail
like that. So I deleted the texts and told him the next day he probably
shouldn’t text stuff like that. He said he had no worries but was sorry if I
was offended. I was not.
While we texted most days he didn’t ever pick up the phone.
He had his kids every Mon/Tues and every other Fri-Sun. So Wed/Thur were the only
for-sure nights off. He had a pretty
regular standing Thursday thing with other single co-workers. And a
couple Wednesdays of planned walks came and went with him saying he’d meet me
and then at the last minute say he just was too sad to go out. After 2 weeks of
that and a message saying he clearly wasn’t ready to date but wanted to be
friends, we made a plan for a Saturday he was free. Same deal: I set out
walking his way and he mine only he got nearly to me this time. We took a
really long walk, about 5miles of winding through the neighborhoods and talking
non-stop about everything under the sun. We stopped for breakfast at a little
café and decided he really needed to hear Mingus on vinyl so we walked back to
mine.
It was a little like being in High School again. I put on
the record and #13 laid on the floor in a sunspot peaking through the blinds. I
wasn’t too anxious to sit on the floor and told him he should probably take the
couch since Linus was known to pee there but he said he didn’t mind. Ok. I sat
down next to him and we listened to Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus Mingus. We each
noticed different parts and had favorite bits that the other really had never
noticed. The sun was warm on my face and
my legs and our hands sorta touched. And the “like high school” part was laying
there no longer hearing the music but instead just the loud talk in my head on
the “will he kiss me? Does he know his pinky is touching my pinky? How could he
not know? OMG is that his foot touching my foot? Is this on purpose? Can he
smell the dog pee?...” I turned my head to look at him and found he was looking
at me and he said “yeah, this won’t work” and he kissed me. We were super good
kissers. And again, I hadn’t felt anything like that since I was 15.
I had plans that night so after spending all day together he
left around 6pm. I really didn’t want him to go and he didn’t seem to want to
go either but it was sorta what needed to happen.
Then it was back to a couple of weeks strung together of him
saying he wanted to get together then flaking on the night-of. I started feeling like a fool, like I was
rube but then I would remember the conversations and the feelings and conclude
I couldn’t have imagined it, that #13 was just in tough spot and I just needed
to be cool. So in late September he was
going to Seattle for the weekend. He said he had some old friends up there and
was going to some show. The night before he left he said we’d walk but again he
was flaking out. I was getting really paranoid at that point. Feeling like such
a fool for always waiting when he always said he was in no place to date. Then at 8pm he called and said he would come
over. Coming straight to my house made me feel like booty call but I was also
just really wanted to see him again. So he came and we listened to more
records, talked more and made out lots more.
We stayed up talking and such until about 5am when he had to go home,
get his stuff and go to the airport.
While he was in Seattle he texted me pics and stuff and I felt pretty
good about idea if I could just be cool, he was going to get free of the
sadness and I’d be there. So my mantra
became “I’m waiting on #13”
He got back from Seattle to a lot of work and so there was
no chance to hang out. That weekend he had his kids and while he had suggested
I do stuff with him and the kids, I declined because I love kids but being a
kid of divorce, it’s not fun meeting the ones you connect with but they don’t
hang around. So I was doing my usual
walk and I saw him and his babies in the park. My heart sped up, I didn’t know
what to do. I wondered if he would think I was spying. I felt like I was witnessing something I
shouldn’t see and I felt silly for being conflicted at all. I kept walking, I
tagged the pole I always do to turn around. I walked back by (on the other side
of the street) and he was still there and his kids were so freaking adorable
and clearly LOVED their daddy. After I
was past, I texted to ask if it was him who I had seen and he said yes, I
should come by. I said I was already past because I knew I would fall in love
with those kids. He said they were
heading home and I should walk with
them, so I turned around and walked back. We walked just a few blocks. His
daughter is 5 and his son is 2. His
daughter was already skeptical of “lady friends” I could see and she was
totally acting like I was putting her to sleep but the little boy was so eager
to show everything and anything and in a few short blocks, he wanted to get out
of the wagon and hug me. GAH-heart melt!
Another week went past, I went out with a terrible #14.
The next week we made a play date with him and the kids. I met them all at a park. We played for
HOURS. Tag, Zombies, Lava. It was fun and
the little girl stopped pretending I wasn’t there. On the way home #13 wanted
to stop at this coffee shop an pick up some dessert. I stayed outside with the kids in the
wagon. The wall of the café was made of
large stone faces and mortar. It reminded me of this fireplace of my childhood
babysitter where he’d drive matchbox cars along the mortar and park on the
rocks. The little boy had some cars so I
showed them how to play. We were all driving cars and making up stories for
each different rock face. It was fun. That time BOTH kids wanted out of the
wagon to hug me.
In the end, #13 was still dealing with bouts of sadness and
chronic canceling of plans. I still had one more online date to go on before I
could quit and I re-met Robert. My mantra in early October was “I’m waiting
on #13”. It ended with Robert.
